Midnight Thoughts

Is anyone else emotionally distraught about two fictional characters choosing to make idiotic mistakes?!

Well I am!

Guys, there’s something about me. . . Maybe it’s because I’m a girl. Maybe it’s because I’m lonely. I don’t know, but whenever I watch or read something and there’s members A and B in a couple and they DELIBERATELY CHOOSE the wrong person AGAIN AND AGAIN, I literally get so worked up!

And I’m like, “Grace, this is a cartoon. Just chill. They aren’t even real!”

I’ve been thinking. . .

I’ve changed so much since childhood and no one but myself can fully understand what I’m going through. . .

I remember having no filter, no remorse, no bit to bite on to prevent myself from saying foolish things.

I remember my siblings hating me and I remember the exact moment when I wanted to change myself. It was when I literally didn’t make physical constant with my older sister (we were 11 and 10 then) but she still gave me a disgusting glance as if it repulsed her that I was in her presence.

I was trying to help her clean; I remember that because the house smelt like freshly vacuumed carpet. The room was lit up by sunlight and our grand living room lights. It was slightly stuffy but not quite unbearably hot yet, so I know it was early summer and around mid day.

That was when I knew I wanted to change so that I wouldn’t be labeled as unwanted, hideous, repulsive. . .

Little did I know how hard it is to gain trust and favor.

It wasn’t until three years later when my parents moved our family across the nation that I was given a fresh start.

I’ve been battling depression, axiety, and forms of anorexia ever since. . .

But now, I have a good reputation. I’m responsible, reliable, trustworthy. My parents seem to enjoy my company. I can’t lie to save the life of me. I choose family over work and faith over family.

And something that my family doesn’t know is that I care; I care about things I shouldn’t care about. I have this stupid feeling of inadequacy hanging above my head, weighing down my shoulders.

I can’t help but care about people no matter who they are or what they are. . .

I think I turned out decent, but the cost I paid for decency has shattered my body. As I write this now, tears blur my vision because I’ve been crying over a TV drama. . .

The plot line is so intense that it has made me lose faith in the human race.

Guys, this guy marries this girl to fulfill a promise made 3 generations before. He gets jealous when his cousin hugs his wife even though he has repeatedly kissed, hugged, invited, hung out with this other girl, his ex, and I’m about to LOSE MY MIND!!!

IT’S A TV SHOW!!! But I can’t help but feel that it’s giving me a glimpse and taste of the real world. . .

Does true love even exist?

Anyway, needless to say that I’m gonna need a day to myself to reflect and glue the pieces to my broken heart back together because I am SHOOK.

Good night y’all.

Thank you for listening to my midnight thoughts and hormonal emotions.

Stay tuned for my next post. . .

Love,

Grace 💜

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